Do, or do not… there is no try…

Day 1 (6/5/2013) : The beginning, and an explanation or two

Well, here goes nothing…

I am starting Insanity today. I wasn’t able to afford all the groceries this week, so I am making sure to eat really cleanly – very low cal, very low fat – till next week, when I’ll be able to get all the food and really hit the ground running with the diet. Honestly, the diet’s going to be the easy part – I will have literally NO trouble with that – but the workouts? Kill me now. 

Why am I doing this (the workouts)? Because I absolutely HATE the way I look anymore. I am just disgusted with myself for how bad I have let myself go. I can’t keep looking in mirrors and car window reflections and whatnot and seeing a fat, slobbish pig looking back at me. I just can’t do it anymore. I have only told one person how awful I feel, and how bad my self image is, and in describing it to them, I actually cried. I am that ashamed of how I look. And considering that I am a very positive person generally, and am happy almost all the time – I can’t live like that. 

Why am I doing this (the blog)? Because it’s kind of like a measuring stick for me. A sort of motivational trick I am pulling on myself. I figure that if I blog about this every day that I do it, it’ll keep me on track to staying with this thing. And having tried programs before – and failed miserably at them – I don’t want that to happen again. Honestly, I CAN’T let it happen again. So, here I am.

To be honest, I am terrified by this whole thing. Don’t get me wrong – I am excited for what can be at the end of this “journey” for me – but, mostly I am just terrified. And the thing I am terrified of most is myself. This isn’t a war against my weight, or getting in shape, or putting on muscle – this is a war against myself. The parts of me that hate working out, that hate not being lazy and just playing guitar or singing in my spare time… you name them. This is Me vs. Me. I look at it is “Fat Jon vs. Slender Jon” – that’s the bottom line of this whole thing to me. I can definitely succeed – I just need to conquer myself and my usual nature to do it. And that’s the hardest part. 

The basic facts as they stand right now… my name is Jon. I am 37 years old, and 5’10” tall. I weighed in at 212 pounds this morning, and I would LOVE to be between 170 and 180 pounds. I see myself as at least 30 pounds overweight, but likely more. I LOVE eating and cooking for myself – I am very adept at both. The problem for me is not maintaining my weight – it’s getting it back to where I am happy with it. These last few months, my weight hasn’t fluctuated more than three or four pounds over time – so I know how to maintain. I guess that’s the silver lining here… once I get to where I want to be, I am not worried about keeping it there. Especially knowing how much I hate being this big! 

You know, before ending this, I guess I do have another reason for writing this blog. I am interested to see a NORMAL person’s description of an endeavor like this. You always see the before and after pictures, and people saying “You just have to do it! And you’ll love it, trust me!” – but that’s all bullshit on a stick. You DON’T love it. Who wouldn’t rather be sitting down to a fun movie with snacks instead of sweating like hell for an hour and a half and doing something that has no fun value to it whatsoever? So, I want to write this all down and see where it ends up. See what it’s REALLY like when you go from where I am at now to where I hope to be. I guess I just want to see something real… not the fabricated or doctored up versions that you always see on television or in promotional materials. 

I’m a fat guy who wasn’t ever fat before. And I am tired of being fat. So, like I said… here goes nothing…

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